10/9
可以一个人安静地写日记是一种难能可贵的幸福，因为暗示着我正处于一个安全的环境里，而恐惧还没有吞噬我的行动能力。比如现在，我一个人正呆在echo的床上，因为药物的原因而感到身体微微发热，人却意外的安宁。我可以感受到药物显著地拔高了我的警觉和焦虑的程度，我很难浸没在某一种感受中（比如刚刚浏览了一下购物网站能够很快回到正常的生活流程上，好像能够更容易意识到自己正在做什么，不知道是因为焦虑感还是什么别的原因）。灯光映射在粗砺的雪白的墙壁上是昏黄的，像是一个残败的未完成的梦。但这种安稳的感觉，本质上却是知道echo会回家陪伴着我而带来的；如果假设他是不存在的，假设这里只是我自己的studio，甚至假设他去出差不会回家了，我依然会被一种深入骨髓的恐惧包裹着，像潮水一样漫过我的胸膛。 另外一个原因可能是我可以达到短暂的冷静，不会想要转换活动或者扭动身体。
I just realized how terrible I am, so I became despondent. Speaking english reminds me of embarrassing and awkward memories back in high school. On the way to night school, I sat in the car like a dumb, had nothing to say bc I just did not understand what they just said in the first place. In my freshmen year and last couples of years, I used extremely limited amount of words to express my shallow ideas. Talking to him makes me feel like being criticized by someone I care. Besides, I was not award of my anger and frustration before they have taken charger of me, so I failed to prevent myself from behaving furiously. I was out of control. I do not feel like having a free will. I guess there is an invisible but broken machine operating my body and my spirit, which I can neither censor nor change it. Instead of being myself and deciding my behaviours, I am literally an agent or representative of this unpredictable and changing machine. I can never escape suffering from it.